A Momma's Pain

Wednesday, 8-19-09

It is not very often that a Mom has a visual sign of the pain in her heart,
but I sure had one this time.

When I realized that Elissa was having a seizure, I tried to get to a phone as fast as I could to call 911. Well the fast way down from a bunk bed seems to be falling down the ladder. I missed the steps and landed against her wood cubes hitting my arm. It didn't phase me a bit at the time - I barely noticed I did it. I was so full of terror and adrenaline and focused on saving my baby, that I didn't feel anything.

When we got to the hospital I was completely overwhelmed. It is like when you watch Grey's Anatomy and all the doctors are surrounding the patient and working on them and the family member is in back of them feeling helpless and so frightened about what the Doctors are going to find out. That was me. Brain damage just kept on running through my mind over and over again. I wondered if I would ever get to talk to the same Lissy that I did before I put her down for her nap. I just needed to see her open her eyes again. Emotions are coming in waves as I try to stay focused on what the nurse is telling me. I pray for the strength to get through this and for any knowledge that I need to tell the doctors.

My mom walks in and I can feel my resolve start breaking. Of course I just want to fall into my mom's arms and just sob, but I can't do that now. I feel like I'm the 5 yr old and I just want my mom to make it all better - but no, I'm the mom now and I'm the one that has to be brave and do all I can to make it better. Mom can barely keep it together, so we try to be strong for each other. I feel a pain in my arm and look at it and see a couple of long scratches - where did that come from I wonder? As I start feeling my arm hurt, I also start feeling my feelings and let some tears come and go. The process of acknowledging the pain and the hurt is starting to surface.

What my arm looked like Friday afternoon.

As the day goes on, I feel more pain in my arm and it is looking worse. I still can't remember what I did to myself. I cried with Darin and I've cried by Elissa's side - hurting so much for my little girl, feeling so helpless. Still so desperately wanting to see her eyes open, but also so afraid of what will happen when she does. The tears are there, but I'm still trying to be brave for Elissa. I talk to her and let her know that Mommy is here and that she is being taken care of and that everything is going to be alright. Just like I did when I found her and when we were at Good Sam and they were poking and prodding her - I had to be calm - to keep her mind calm. I continue to pray and ask others to pray. The pain and fear is there, but it is still being kept under the surface.

The next day (Thursday) I see I have a big bruise starting.....oh nice! People are going to think Darin beats me. Ha! :0) It finally pops into my brain what happened - oh yes, I fell down the ladder. Ouch! But I'm rejoicing because Elissa finally woke up and was coherent and answered questions and asked questions. The hallucinations are worrisome, but we can handle that. Whew, I can relax a little - my baby girl's brain seems to be ok! I was able to release some of my anxiety and fear by writing out the whole situation yesterday to all my FB friends. It was very theraputic and even more so to get words of prayers and sympathy and help. As the bruise on my arm is showing up, I can show my fears and let go of some of the anxiety and lean on others.

Friday the bruise is even more pronounced and tender. And with that, I'm ready to call my BFF and have a good cry. The news of Elissa's EEG being abnormal is so overwhelming. I have to share that. I couldn't call her earlier because I needed to keep it together and I wasn't ready to let down my guard. Now was the time. Now - just like the bruise was really tender and showing more - I had to let out more. It felt so good to be heard and felt and cried with. There is a progression to these things.

And now, Tuesday, almost a week later - the bruise is still there and still pretty purple, but the tenderness is gone. The effect of the fall is there, but the hurt has pretty much gone away. And so is the terror, anxiety and some of the fear with Elissa. She no longer is in immediate danger and I know that she is going to be just fine. The memory is still very vivid and I can work up a good cry pretty fast, but that is just more of reliving the fear and letting it go.Now I just try to focus on the future and what I can do to help prevent this from happening again. The memory is still there - just like the bruise - the reminder of the hurt. If you press hard enough the hurt is still there, but getting less and less. Just as God is giving me "peace that passes all understanding" so that I'm not full of anxiety and worry - just still feeling the feelings and working through the day to day changes that need to be made.

Today, Wednesday, one week since it happened. I'm feeling overwhelmed today and a bit of heaviness from the experience and all the little things I have to do because of the diagnosis of a seizure disorder (very generic). But I praise God for His faithfulness and His grace for each day and how healthy my little girl is. There are others going through worse. We can handle this.

A definition of:
MOM = one full of courage and bravery;
Her heart walks around outside her body;
Dependent on the Lord for His grace and mercy
my definition