Full of Anxiety

Saturday, 8-29-09

I had a very restless night last night. I maybe slept 3-4hrs. I woke up about midnight with a start, but I don't remember why. Then my mind started kicking in and fear and anxiety started overwhelming me. Thinking about Elissa and her diagnosis of seizure disorder and the fear of not catching it if another one happens - so I lie really still and listen to her. Is she breathing? Is she making repetitive sounds? Is she moving? Then I get up and go close to her so I can see her.

Then something wakes Zach, so I go and soothe him and get him settled back into bed. He wakes up 2 or 3 times, which isn't normal so I'm worrying about him a bit. Maybe there is a full moon tonight. :0)

I'm just having a feeling of dread - like something is going to happen and I need to be on alert to catch it.

I even hear kids outside at 1am and I go outside to make sure they are not in Darin's boat getting his fishing gear that he loaded in it last night to go salmon fishing this morning.

So I lay back down again and listen to Elissa. I'm afraid I'm missing something or ignoring signs. Today when we were shopping she leaned over to my mom and whispered, "Don't tell Momma, but your little girl is sick." Mom told me afterwards. I think that statement is haunting me and making me feel like I am missing something.

Darin did some research and found this very technically savy pad that goes under the mattress and detects whether someone is having a seizure or has stopped breathing and many other things. He bought it and we'll get it set up in the next couple of days. That is my wonderful husband! The same one who wanted to buy all the equipment that was in the NICU when Elissa was born and in there for almost 3 wks. Just needing a little peace of mind at home and feeling like we are doing all we can to help her.

At 1:30am I decide to get up and journal and do some Bible study. I'm praying for wisdom as I'm thinking about Elissa. Yesterday morning she woke up and was having a hard time walking. She pointed to both of her hips hurting. I just kind of dismissed it as sleeping wrong or growing pains. As she walked around she said it was getting better, but it was still bothering her when we went shopping so I brought the stroller along.

I really try not to be one of those "hypochondriac mothers" who are always taking their kids to the doctor for every little sniffle. Which I don't even know any moms like that, but for some reason I don't want to be "one of those". I don't rush my kids to the doctor every time they aren't feeling well and I try to take them only when it seems like it is now the "sensible" thing to do (whatever that is). If you ask my friends, they will tell you that I'm not a person full of anxiety. I don't worry a lot. I look at the facts and try to make the best decision and then move on. And that is what I have been doing with Elissa, but now I feel this overwhelming anxiety. Maybe it is a delayed reaction and I'm finally letting myself feel these feelings.

As I'm journaling, I do hear the Holy Spirit telling me that I have been burying my head in the sand. I haven't really done any research and I have literally not even cracked the book open about childhood epilepsy that the doctor gave us. I don't want to think of my little girl as being an epileptic. I have done what I need to do - talk to the school, get prescripts for them, follow up with our pediatrician - those things, but I guess I haven't really accepted it. I feel God is telling me, it is time to accept it and it is time to read the book.
I just have a feeling that we are not done with this. I'm crying as I write that.

I'm asking the Lord again for wisdom in what has happened and to know what is significant and what isn't. Elissa's other 911 call comes to mind again. I have talked to the neuro Dr about this and she didn't seem to think much of it, but I think I need to talk to her about it again (as my mom will emphatically agree with - trying to hold back her opinions, but not real successful :-) ). Then the relationship to immunization shots and the 911 call comes to mind. She had her 5yr shots on Tuesday afternoon 2-24 and then on Thursday afternoon 2-26 I couldn't get her to wake up from her nap for more then 30 seconds at a time and that lasted for hours. I thought she had a concussion, but maybe the medics were partially right - she was just really tired. I have asked if she maybe had had a seizure at that time because they are extremely exhausted afterwards and I need to be sure and ask the question again. I don't know if it will really matter if it was, but I need to press the issue.

I then worked on my Bible study for awhile and went back to bed around 3:15am. I still didn't feel at ease, but I went back to sleep. But then Darin gets up at 4am to go fishing and Zach gets up at 6am, so I didn't get much sleep. I prayed that Zach would sleep until 7am, but I must not need the sleep. :0)

I was just in the shower - a little peace and quiet - thinking about all this stuff and I just needed to write it all out.

So now on with our rainy day. But not before I write down the scripture that was on my heart all last night and just popped back into my mind.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and
lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him, and
He will make your paths straight.